anecdotes of ups + downs
The spiritual path wrecks the body and afterwards restores it to health. It destroys the house to unearth the treasure, and with that treasure builds it better than before.
Rumi
I recently realized [or perhaps just remembered] that – especially in the last 2 years – my epic highs and major lows have flowed right alongside each other.
In late 2017/early 2018 I had the amazing opportunity to teach 3 huge classes at the beautiful Brooklyn Museum at the exact same time I was moving out of a longterm relationship and apartment, which was all right before I led my second solo retreat in Costa Rica.
From February to June that year, I moved around almost month-to-month with suitcases and bags stored at friends’ apartments if and when necessary, who offered living spaces and space in their hearts to hold my broken one. I was simultaneously teaching classes to sweet students and had solid corporate clients, workshops and events around NYC and BK.
During June, July and August I had the enormous pleasure of teaching in Provence and Parisian parks as I continued to move through deep grief on many levels, including new and unexpected heartache that took me by surprise [but is it ever really expected?].
I returned to the most incredible group of friends in NYC at the end of August, of whom I was so genuinely happy to reunite with, and yet also suffered from intense anxiety of what to do next/how to get back to France. I watched childhood friends get married and spent time with family, then taught on retreat in Bali. all while experiencing confusing physical transformations with my body that I couldn’t and still can’t seem to decode.
In early 2019 I sifted through all of the boxes I had stored a year prior, and sorted all of the emotions that went along with them. I unboxed, broke down, downsized, and re-organized inside a beautiful apartment with thoughtful friends who housed and nourished me; who literally gave me the space for all the necessary logistics and inner healing to unfold.
I co-led Costa Rica 2019 with Amber and Sarah at the same time I planned my U.S.-Euro exit. I had said goodbye to family in California over the holidays; I hugged my NYC family tightly with both a deep hole in my heart and a gut feeling that the path to France was the right path for now.
Life unfolded and continues to do so in Paris. With residual grief and confusing expat challenges came sweet new friends and students, unforgettable world travels, an exceptional new yoga community [love you Modo], a bike named Louisa, really delicious food/gelato…
I took a nourishing last-minute jaunt to Sicily, and moved into a new apartment the day I returned. Said apartment unfortunately had bedbugs which attacked my face/neck/arms/back, followed by a horrific allergic reaction to the bites which almost kept me from going to Germany. Luckily a friend housed/is housing me in this transition, and I taught 2 filled classes at Wanderlust GaPa – a literal dream come true – with bites all over my grateful body.
The week after GaPa, the cycle of poor anxious sleep continued, alongside general overwhelm of what to do with my clothes – how does one properly inspect and wash/dry/steam after a bedbug incident whilst also working and finding a new apartment? That same weekend, I had the great honor of teaching at Wanderlust 108 Paris – another absolute dream – where I spoke about/taught yoga in French to a sea of 1,000 yogis alongside fellow teacher/new friend Myrto.
My heart has been an explosion of gratitude and grief, and as such I had the revelation that – like life and death, sickness and health – these are not mutually exclusive. Although I have been praying for a bit of a break from the intensity of it all, I also know that these things move together. They teach us to see the light and cultivate equilibrium, even when we lose it and throw up the white flag and temporarily throw mindfulness practices out the window [hi it me].
Flowing alongside these situations have been ferocious friends. Friends to field my heavy feelings, to help lift and load boxes, to offer extreme emotional support and encouragement; friends to spritz me with a water bottle saying “stop telling yourself that story!” to help snap me out of it.
Remember this: we are not alone. This is where and how we connect as humans sharing this Earth – we recognize the light and the dark that we all experience to varying degrees.
There are tools to manage the lows and there are ways of celebrating the highs without relying on them for contentment – I hope to be the test dummy, example, and voice for others to reference if and when necessary.
Take care of yourselves and each other. Ride the tides and reach out when you need a skipper to help captain your ship.
Onward.
Read the newsletter for cozy fall eats inspo from my Wanderlust GaPa weekend, upcoming 2020 retreats like Costa Rica / Marrakech / Dordogne, guided meditations, an inspiring informative podcast and good vibes.
Photo by Christina Amarens for Wanderlust GaPa, Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Germany.
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