ask + receive
Don’t dismiss the elements.
Water soothes and heals.
Air refreshes and revives.
Earth grounds and holds.
Fire is a burning reminder of our own will and creative power.
There’s a certain sweet comfort in knowing that you belong to them all.Victoria Erickson
I was perched on a towel in an anorak chair wearing a bikini and fedora, Iyengar’s Light On Yoga in hand, ready for a philosophy poolside chat as part of last week’s Costa Rica retreat at Rayos del Sol, when my retreaters began giggling and shaking their heads in disbelief.
“Look at the life you live!” they joked, in all seriousness, at the ridiculousness and splendor of the current situation: my job, as it stood at that moment, was to talk about something I love [yoga] in an environment I love [tropical paradise] basking in the warm sun with wonderful people. “I must have done something right in a past life…,” I responded.
The reality I was faced with in that chair by the pool was blissful, even though the reality of how I got to that place was not exactly smooth sailing. That being said, I was curious enough to cultivate a healthy dose of courage and do it against all odds, of which there were many.
Thanks to my likeminded parents I have always loved traveling, and so when I finished my first yoga teacher training in 2011 I knew one day I would lead retreats. I did not know, however, how much blood, sweat and tears would go into the making of said retreat, let alone arranging local workshops and events in the interim.
I stayed curious, talked to fellow teachers who led retreats, tried it on for size by teaching yoga on four Fitness + Foolishness retreats – in which my role did not involve coordinating the entirety of the trip – and kept studying yoga. Along the way, even as I began to get more serious about conducting my own retreat and gained momentum as a teacher, several of my workshops and events had to cancel due to various obstacles, despite widespread interest and positive feedback.
I felt both defeated and empowered, crushed and determined. I would ask myself, Do I just quit here, is this worth continually failing? And I would counter with, Who says I am failing, who says I am not successful, what else would I even do if I was not doing this?
I experienced a bit of a tumultuous battle between anxiety and confidence, knowing I would have to keep facing ongoing fears of being “found out” per the notorious Imposter Syndrome, and somehow kept doing the damn thing whether I felt that I had flourished or “failed.”
I recently got hooked on How I Built This, an inspiring NPR podcast with well-known business leaders, and each one I have listened to mentioned a personal experience with the F word.
Failure, said Richard Branson and the founders of Patagonia and Instagram, was part of the path, especially as entrepreneurs. Failure helps us to realize what it is we really want, wipes out the stuff that does not suit us, lights a fire under our arse so we are even more compelled – if not a bit disheartened – to keep asking questions. Because if we do not ask questions to our Selves or others, how can we expect to receive answers, relief, a helping hand, insight, support?
Although I knew I could lead a retreat, part of me was close to throwing in the towel because of how much time it would unexpectedly take to coordinate the schedule, ask and answer a continual flood of questions, create marketing materials and finance spreadsheets, coordinate excursions and confusing flights and meal requests, reconfigure plans with former retreat co-hosts, not to mention plan what exactly I wanted to teach twice-a-day throughout the week.
Questions and excuses included, but were not limited to: Would I even make any money? What if they do not like the classes or think I am full of it? What if they do not have a good time? Flights are too expensive, I should just call it off, no one will want to buy tickets. Should I just get a “real job?”
Even when I thought it was over and was ready to surrender, people signed up and sent me their flight information. There I was, expecting another cancellation in my recent repertoire of flopped events, with retreaters who were ready to roll. Their trust in me and willingness to break through their own barriers like challenging flight arrangements sparked my own ability to get out of my head and go for the gold.
What I realized on retreat was that every single one of us there had experienced both sides of curiosity and courageousness. The chef at Rayos del Sol, who nourished us with beautiful plant-based meals, told me in broken English that it took her all but her most recent years she has been living in Nosara to feel comfortable there, learning everything from pizza to vegan pad Thai. Rayos’ retreat coordinator and my former student, Nicole, took a nose-dive into the world of retreat hostess in a different country without knowing how it would turn out, and the outcome has been exceptional.
My stellar retreat crew took a chance on me, most of whom had never even met me before, because they were interested in exploring more about yoga and seeing a new part of the world. Each of us was intrigued to try something new and unfamiliar, even alongside a healthy dose of fear.
What actually happened, fears and doubts aside: morning class and meditation with a beautiful view, sequences that came relatively easily to me based on what I wanted to teach, everyone signing up for surfing and having a blast, everyone getting along and cracking each other up and enjoying the most delicious plant-based meals together, unexpected jungle strolls, expertly crafted cocktails, after-dinner games, perfect weather, and all around really good vibes.
And so as fate would have it – thanks to our collective curiosity and courageousness swimming in a sea of uncertainty – it was better than I could have hoped for.
I remembered when I moved from San Francisco in 2010, albeit interested and seduced by New York for reasons unknown to me at the time, I felt nervous and confused on what exactly I was doing and how things would move forward. How would I make money, where would I live, who was I and what was I supposed to be doing with my life?
Being blindsided by sadness during that time almost made it easier for me to work with instead of against my fears, to leave California on such a whim without knowing the answers to my existential questions. And here I am, doing what I love, triumphs and tribulations and all.
Even though I have yet to reach pinnacles of success like launching a program [coming soon], being on Oprah [someday soon?], and backup dancing for Bruno Mars, I am constantly being faced with opportunities to keep going despite reservations about my Self and my work.
Fear is present for a reason – it is important to protect ourselves from danger in order to stay afloat and live our purpose. That being said, if we refuse to get our feet a little dirty or shy away from something because it scares us, we might never experience the miraculous, fulfilling feats we are capable of.
A Costa Rica retreater wrote to me, “[This] was one of the best vacations I’ve had in my life. It definitely surpassed my high expectations for a retreat like this.” I feel exactly the same from my end in the role of teacher, which is precisely what I was aiming for, and am so thrilled I was able to oversee my obstacles in order to see this through.
Now that I have completed my first retreat, I find myself facing new fears: what if future retreats are never as good as this one [do I quit while I am ahead?], what if none of this retreat crew comes back for future trips, is this worth doing all over again?
Because I allowed myself to feel my feelings this first time around – whether frustration or excitement or total discombobulation – and because I saw it through, I now know that everything is going to work itself out the way it needs to. Not everything is under my immediate control [thank Buddha, who could handle that pressure?]; it is OK to ask for help, have doubts, be amazingly confident or perplexed, and not have everything perfectly in place.
I know now that taking the leap is not as scary as it seems, and even if it feels that way for a moment or for a month, it will pass.
Here are four ways we can all learn stay both curious and courageous when fear paralyzes our physical and mental capabilities of being truthful to our Selves:
1. Acknowledge the fear. As my teacher Jenny Aurthur used to say: It is in the closet doing pushups. Whatever “it” is, suppressing emotions also means suppressing possibilities. Observe fear without judgement, see it exactly as it is, and move on.
2. Be inquisitive. Perhaps ask your Self where your fear comes from, or what it wants you to learn. Keep asking – even if the answer never fully presents itself, it does not mean we are not capable of figuring things out.
3. Remember that we create a personal definition of what it means to succeed or fail. Our perceived definitions are not definitive, neither of them makes us a better or lesser person, and we will never know either outcome until we try.
4. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. We are humans with deep feelings, not hollow robots made of steel. Vulnerability helps us see our Selves fully, to recognize our desires, and reminds us that feeling sad or disappointed or like a pile of poo is not permanent.
What does being curious and courageous mean to you, and how has it helped you cultivate what you want in your life?
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Photo: self-practice at Rayos Del Sol, Costa Rica.
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