at least for now…
… every day do something that won’t compute… Work for nothing. Take all that you have and be poor. Love someone who does not deserve it. Denounce the government and embrace the flag… Give your approval to all that you cannot understand. Praise ignorance, for what man has not encountered he has not destroyed. Ask the questions that have no answers… Expect the end of the world… Be joyful though you have considered all the facts… As soon as the generals and politicos can predict the motions of your mind, lose it. Leave it as a sign to mark the false trail, the way you didn’t go. Be like the fox who makes more tracks that necessary, some in the wrong direction…
Wendell Berry, Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
On January 30th I turned 33 – my favorite numbers side by side – during a time of fairly strong dualities and opposing forces, on both a personal and global level.
When I think back on what I thought my life would look like in my 30s, I pictured quite a different scenario. Although the image does not replicate what I initially had in mind, the overall sensation of love and fullness I hoped for is certainly present.
This got me thinking about what I know to be true in my life as it is right now, and the personal and general truths I have learned along the way – whether or not my current 33 year-old situation looks or feels like I had previously envisioned.
In Tara Brach’s recent Part 2 talk on Othering, she references the Buddhist inquiry of is it true, and is it useful?
Similarly – what is real for us, but not necessarily true? For example: if we are angry with someone for doing something we disagree with, that feeling is real. Is it, however, truthful based on who we are and what we aspire to be? If we strive to be forgiving but our reaction comes from a place of blame, the feeling may not necessarily be 100% true to our truest Selves.
The work is questioning where our anger [or blame, sadness, etc] comes from – is our reaction and feeling true to the situation, to who we are, to how we feel about the person we disagree with? It requires a deep dig into our underlying emotions and their relation to what it is we are reacting to. The answers are uncovered as we continue to ask ourselves a series of Why?, despite the discomfort of extreme vulnerability.
My 30s thus far have certainly taught me a lot about my truest Self [even the sides of my Self I do not necessarily enjoy confronting], my desires, tendencies, relationships, and beyond. They have shown me how far I have come and where I still desire to go.
Here are 33 things I think I know as my/the truth [at least for now] at 33:
1. I have everything I need, even if I think I need it.
2. Ayurveda works. It is the epitome of delicious and nutritious.
3. The body is amazing at any shape or size. I have functioning limbs and a hard-working inner landscape of muscles, organs, bones, a brain and more. What a gift.
4. Gluten and dairy are not the devil. Food is not an enemy.
5. Even if I am not where I think I need to be, it does not mean I should not celebrate and be proud of how far I have come.
6. We are all made of the same stuff. It serves no purpose whatsoever to look down upon myself or others from a lens of false hierarchal perceptions when we are all one in the same.
7. Friends and family are everything. They are much bigger priorities than who I think I need to be or what I think I need to achieve.
8. Traveling will forever be both exhilarating and terrifying; an enormous eye and heart-opener. It is such a privilege to have the opportunity to explore the world.
9. Laughter is always the best medicine.
10. Yoga and meditation are also the best medicines.
11. Food is an incredible form of medicine.
12. The “best” and “worst” are personal perceptions.
13. Physical and mental forest fires make space for what will ultimately be positive transformation, even if and when it feels horrendous or inescapable.
14. Wherever you go, there you are. Hiding behind false truths [blame, anger, jealousy], running away to a different location or setting, or hiding behind a big fat cookie will only temporarily put a bandaid over the suffering.
15. Sitting with and recognizing discomfort is the only way through it. It might even provide more brief spurts of relief along the way, rather than pushing it aside in avoidance only to have it punch me/us in the nose later on.
16. Women are strong AF.
17. Community, support, and compassion makes me/us even stronger.
18. Salt water/ocean/nature heals everything and everyone, always.
19. My relationship with food is just as imperative as eating a ton of vegetables.
20. Self-care is not selfish. It is essential.
21. Yoga is not just poses on a mat. Yoga is anything that makes me feel embodied, in the moment, connected, grounded, rooted in and at ease with my Self anywhere and at any moment.
22. Mindfulness is not just meditation. Mindfulness is being able to be with my Self whether I am sitting still reciting a mantra or washing the dishes or listening to a friend in a conversation.
23. I look at my phone more than I need to. And I forgive myself for it.
24. I still judge myself, although now I can recognize it for what it is [see above re: real versus true, and true or useful?].
25. Even though I have dedicated myself to the path of yoga and mindfulness, I still distract myself with technology and Netflix and chocolate just as much as the average American.
26. Even though I distract myself just as much as the average American despite being on a path of yoga and mindfulness, I am not a failure.
27. We all have the capacity to hold space in our hearts for every single person on this planet, if we choose to.
28. We all have the capacity to love others and our Selves unconditionally, if we choose to try.
29. I am still not quite a morning person, even though I love my Mindful Mornings with Aditi and being awake during a time of quietness.
30. Hosting retreats and being a full-time yoga teacher takes an enormous amount of work, self-work, dedication and willpower. It is tiring and thrilling. It is the most challenging and the most rewarding work I have yet to experience, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
31. I like being in my 30s, even though the past couple of years have not exactly been a walk in the park.
32. New York is a beast. But dammit I love her.
33. I would much rather be my best friend than my worst critic.
What do you think you know for certain, for now? What do you still hope to discover?
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Photo: Machu Picchu, Perú
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