all the lessons and feels
You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is yourself.“
Alan Alda
I had more time than usual to think this summer, which – not surprisingly – provided both enlightening and irritating wisdom nuggets.
Being alone a lot – especially amidst a language I just barely comprehend – offered me time to go about my days guided by my intuition. What did I feel like doing [besides a lot of yoga and eating]? Why? When? How?
I understand this is an incredible privilege to have had the opportunity to explore Paris with a solid amount of time on my hands between The Provence Experience events. Within these time blocks arrived the discoveries that coincide with being by yourself in a place other than home.
Sometimes this was easy and comfortable; other times I felt off and out of my element. Sometimes it was exhilarating; other times I just wanted someone or something to distract me from my Self, my habits or patterns, and my thoughts in general.
A few days before I flew back to Brooklyn, I found myself struggling with deep and heavy emotions about leaving Paris and re-entering back into my New York City life, and so for some reason I decided to pray. I stopped in two churches, gardens, a mosque – and prayed.
During my mini journey, I listened to a talk on the power of prayer by Tara Brach, who reminded us that at the root of each prayer is a request for loving belonging; to belong in love; to feel like we belong; to be loved.
On my walk home during this unintentional yet very intentional day, I was suddenly struck with the joy and calmness that come after allowing yourself to really feel the rough feelings. The sun was out, I was alive, I was in Paris surrounded by flowers with my big vulnerable heart.
I quickly curled up in a chair in the Luxembourg gardens to write down a few sparks of insight. In those moments I reminded myself that I am not my thoughts – I might feel sad but I am not sadness, I might feel a need to control but no one is ever 100% in control, I might feel totally lost and overwhelmed but we are all in fact exactly where we need to be.
I discovered a lot more about myself this summer by leaving the literal city of my comfort zone for the past 8 years and allowing myself to travel into the mysterious depths of my intuition, much of which was revealed during my time in Paris. I had conversations with myself regarding my eagerness to be in control, my anxieties around not being enough, my fears, and the ways in which I cling to desires and expectations – even though yoga philosophy teaches us that this results in suffering.
I looked at whatever I discovered with curiosity, and I did my best to accept [or at least observe] it all. Like the story of Mara that Tara Brach tells so well: instead of pushing the negative qualities or thoughts away, I tried to “invite them to tea” to get to know them a little better.
The more we understand our self-discoveries, the more we can move forward without attachment to achievement – trusting that we are guided and lovable just as we are.
Below are a few mantras that helped me personally in this time of self-inquiry [also a time of serious butter consumption]:
I am enough.
I trust I am am guided.
I trust the perfect plan is in place for me.
I am loved.
I belong.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I surrender control.
I am peace.
I act out of love.
I am healthy.
I am worthy.
I have enough.
I am supported.
I am safe.
I am grateful.
Nayyirah Waheed writes, “… you are happening right now. right at this moment and your happening is beautiful. the thing that both keeps me alive and brings me to my knees. you don’t even know how breathtaking you are. as you are.”
Although the adventure that is life can be both joyful and painful [not unlike the asana practice itself], although discovering our Selves is a constant practice which can feel both electrifying and terrifying – we must remember that we are also perfectly imperfect just as we are. We are in the perfect place at the perfect time. So long as we trust that it is so.
Have you made any self-discoveries lately? How do you work with them when they arise?
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