over it / it’s not over
“How you feel is how you feel, what you think is what you think. Instead of stopping the flow of these thoughts and feelings, be with them, observe them, explore their origins. They are your teachers. All transformation starts with awareness.”
Charlotte Kasl Ph.D, If The Buddha Dated
I recently posted on Instagram the story below about self judgement and self love, and my personal fluctuation between the two throughout the years.
And that’s just it – both the body and emotions shift, everything is fluid, just like the tide and sounds and life in general.
The encouragement and comments from that post reinforced the fact that we can all relate to one another on some level; we are all part of this diverse human experience. I am learning through my meditation course that pain and suffering is universal – when we can detach from it as “our pain” and observe it as “the pain,” our emotions and suffering might soften a bit.
My hope in sharing more openly on these platforms is that we can all continue to cultivate a positive relationship with our Selves, others, and how we interact between the two – whether on social media or in real life.
Read on for the full post, and please let me know how I can support you around this subject.
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My parents are painters, and when my dad worked on commission pieces for movie posters or book artwork he would have the whole family posing for reference photos. We played dress up and made funny faces, then saw ourselves as characters in the final product.
This, of course, was never about how good we looked. It was about the joy of expression and creating for the sake of art [and Dad’s job…].
In my teens, I grew hips and thighs; I wanted so badly to look like the models in Teen Vogue or my twiggy dance friends. Being photographed started to spark anxiety around meeting my own made-up standards of “lean” and “pretty.”
I dropped weight in my mid-20s when I got off birth control and moved to NYC. People asked what happened; I did more yoga and ate a little healthier but still enjoyed the occasional drunk late night slice. Bottom line: I was happier. When I saw myself in photos I thought, “Oh, there you are!”
I know weight fluctuates, yet as I started to be photographed more in my career I became increasingly aware of all angles of my body. I was never ungrateful, but there was always something to fix.
Through Ayurveda’s hormone regulation and personal changes, I dropped weight in 2017-18. In that emotional transition, I felt really grounded in my body because there was nowhere else to go; I couldn’t escape the situation, and so I had no choice but to allow myself to sit with deep challenges. I saw myself in photos, and although I was at a weight I had always desired, I thought more about my fragile heart versus my appearance. I would think to myself, “You’re doing a great job, keep going.”
I got my period for the first time after almost 2 years when I was teaching yoga in Paris last summer. My waist became puffier, pants became tighter, life spiraled a bit [a lot] again, and I suddenly felt physically and mentally out of my body, out of control, self-conscious of my side-view. I saw myself in photos and thought, “I’m in there somewhere…”
I did a photo shoot recently with Harmonica Design and Grant Henry Media to remind myself and my community that however I/we look in photos or in the mirror, we always have an opportunity and a choice to show up as ourselves – exposed and strong and and vulnerable and grateful – regardless of a little extra belly or leg.
Although I still don’t feel 100% in my body, I look at myself in these images and think, “Thank you.”
May we all offer love to the miracle of our body – the vessel for our precious hearts. Thank you for being on the journey together.
Read the newsletter for ridiculous treats by Paige of Citrine + Co, upcoming global workshops like Wanderlust Germany and Costa Rica 2020, nourishing discounts from likeminded brands, new YouTube yoga + pod, an inspiring talk, and good vibes.
Photo: Grant Henry Media for Harmonica Designs in Brooklyn, NY.
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