relinquishing resistance
Don’t look for peace. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender.
Eckhart Tolle
I recently discovered Human Design through my sweet and inspiring friend Hilary, and learned that I am a Projector – which made a lot of sense when I took a closer look at what that actually means.
It is suggested that this personality type typically needs a lot of rest, time to perfect our craft, and works best when literally working only a few hours per day; that it is more fruitful for us to show/offer our gifts to the world and “wait for the invitation” instead of trying to manifest or create every single thing from the ground up.
Although this was a huge sigh of relief for me and helped me put many things into perspective, it is still a challenge to come to terms with resting versus do-ing – that it is OK to have downtime in lieu of constantly working on all the things I hope to accomplish out of fear that I am not learning enough, or making enough money, or making enough of a difference in the world.
And despite my best and beloved efforts in maintaining my wellbeing, the past several years have presented a fair share of hoops to jump through. Especially since January 2018 when I first began the journey of ping-ponging around apartments – even after landing here in Paris – I have seen my energy, hormones, weight, skin, digestion, mood, sleep, and health in general go up and down a bamboozling regulation roller coaster.
This is not to say I am not immensely thankful for the 15+ kitchens over the past 2 years where I have concocted countless khicharis and matchas; for the roofs that have sheltered me in every season; for the friends and strangers that have offered and rented beds and couches for my exhausted yet resilient body; for the people and places that continue to help me pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again.
That being said, I have also been irritated with myself for having so much “time off” from my personal projects that I had hoped to finish after moving to Paris; for not having hosted all of the workshops and events that I had intended to quickly initiate upon arrival.
In planning out my timeline for said projects came epic speed bumps – everything from endless expat logistics to bedbugs [conveniently timed before teaching thousands of students at 2 incredible Wanderlust festivals] – resulting in hilariously difficult apartment hunting [where language barriers meets super fun paperwork] – to very unhappy sinuses taking me out of commission, then one week later found myself again unwillingly horizontal in lieu of hopefully productive.
It’s safe to say that I have found myself repeatedly at a loss and faced with stubborn conundrums this year: Why does my health teeter-totter when I am one of the healthiest people I know? Why does grief conveniently sneak in just when I think I’ve moved past it, and then inconveniently bring me to my knees leaving me with zero energy to put toward my entrepreneurial ideas?
Does this happen to all of us and we just aren’t talking about it openly? Am I just one of many who is really “IN IT” right now? Is it all just a matter of perspective? When do I give up and how do I act consciously versus react emotionally [hello toddler tantrums at thirty-something]?
In Buddhism, it is said that “pain is inevitable” and “suffering is optional.” Pain will come, and suffering arises when we resist what is; when we go to battle with the present moment out of discomfort and for fear that our ego/heart/physical bodies will be destroyed [a valid human reaction, by the way].
And so, interwoven amongst all of this hullabaloo, I finally had a hit to lean in and relinquish resistance; to throw up the white flag in surrender and:
- allow things to happen and respond accordingly – even if the response is to let it be.
- listen to when I need to rest so that I have enough fuel to serve and study; to do the work I am so passionate about.
- recognize and accept that we are all on different timelines, and it’s not a competition.
- appreciate versus compare; being inspired by those I admire in lieu of comparing myself to others.
- practice instead of perfect – full stop.
- remind myself that nothing is linear, whether grief or health or happiness, and that whatever I’m feeling is just part of the process – especially if it involves healing old wounds that no longer serve a purpose in order to grow and expand.
- give myself credit – I am doing enough and have accomplished a lot this year, and it is such a gift to continue to be able to do so.
- take my time – remembering that time is relative, there is always enough time, and rushing causes unnecessary stress.
- trust in my body versus being frustrated and confused by what I cannot control; to continue to make conscious decisions for my wellbeing and remember that my body is really forking smart – it knows what to do.
- relieve some control and let Universe/Source take the lead – trusting it gives me as much as I can handle and ultimately wants what is best for me.
- equalize high expectations in order to cultivate joy in the moment as it is.
- know that I am OK right here and right now; to see how my dreams have unfolded into everything I have right now and trust that I will continue to be guided as such.
- serve others – recognizing that this is what I came to this coo-coo bananas planet to do; that there is more to life than worrying about my own ego; that I must nourish myself in order to nourish others.
- give thanks – life is a miracle and there is so much to be grateful for, despite current struggles and future desires.
This does not mean I always know what I’m doing, or exactly how things will turn out, or why things happen the way they do, or how to find a meaningful lesson in all of it.
I do believe, however, that we know deep down what the heart desires most, and by leaning into instead of resisting life’s circumstances we can act consciously versus react, experience more ease versus suffering, and recognize the lessons that help us to shed what no longer serves our wellbeing versus unconsciously hanging on to old patterns.
By leaning in, we become more expansive. We flow with the current instead of getting tossed around by the waves – just like the turtles in Finding Nemo. We communicate to Universe or God or Mother Nature – whatever you want to call it – that we trust that we are guided, and so they/it respond[s] by guiding [albeit also testing] us.
A final anecdote: in relation to recent French bureaucratic paperwork – but also to life in and of itself as of late – I told my sweet colleague Hélène that I kind of had no idea what I was doing. She wisely replied, “Maybe you don’t know what you’re doing, but you’re doing a great job.”
So here I am – reframing and taking the remainder of this year as somewhat of a rehab from 8.5 years of pounding-the-pavement in NYC and 6.5 years of past-life/past-Self with the same partner in the same apartment. I surrender to being a little [a lot] unsettled physically alongside settling into healing my body and heart; to reflecting and resting and nourishing [whether via travel or healthy foods] – even if it means not working or do-ing as much.
I am officially leaning into what I know to be true right now however uncomfortable or joyful it may be; leaning into the unknown of the future whilst holding the expansive vision for what I desire and trusting that I am guided to what best serves me; leaning into the past without tension or regret but simply as information on how I want to move forward from here on out.
May you lean into life as it is without letting it get the best of you, but rather letting it teach you how to best take care of yourself and others.
May you rest when necessary, without guilt or judgement, and remember your body’s resilience.
May you be nourished and reminded that you’re doing great — wherever you are in your kitchen, your body, your life, your heart, and this wild world.
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Onward.
Photo: Yasmina Schoueri at Eibsee, Germany during the Wanderlust GaPa Festival.
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