Should-ing Ourselves & Good-Enough-ness

10 Things I’m Aiming to Unlearn at 40

I thought of doing a 40 Things I’ve Learned by 40 thing, but the older I get, the more I realize how much I’m unlearning, and the less it seems I actually know. You know?

And I know I’ve learned a lot – I love nerding out on yoga and movement, mind-body connections, holistic health and food, nature, and how to nurture myself and others.

Also French, kind of, depending on the day…

But I still find myself thinking: Shouldn’t I know more by now? Shouldn’t I have accomplished more by now?

Which has led me to wonder: Have I actually learned how to be a functional human?

Or, a slightly less self-insulting question:

“At a certain age almost all the questions a person asks himself are about one thing: How should you live your life?” -Fredrik Backman

My personal existential inquiry eventually did me a favor by re-reminding me that should-ing myself has never led me anywhere good. I can easily spot this pattern in clients, but when we’re dealing with ourselves, it can be a tougher nut to crack.

In anticipation of turning 40, for example, I should-ed myself a lot: I should have achieved XYZ by now. I should be making X amount of dollars and own a home and a high-tech air filter. I should have done all the things many of my friends have already done…

And yeah, last year had its share of struggles, but so does every year. I had so many wonderful and magical times, too, because life is a nuanced silly goose like that.

Still, I was in funky funk, so all that should-ing myself made the hard times harder and turned the bright times partly-cloudy instead of giving them full-sun-exposure.

In theory, I could have channeled that pressure into motivation to move forward and make empowered decisions while still honoring my unconventional yet meaningful life choices. Unfortunately, though, I often let it get the best of me, and sunk into a sticky spiral of not-good-enough-ness.

I guess I am a prime example of the fact that, even if we do all the mind-body wellness things – all of which do help! – we are still human. We still have feelings, and maybe society hasn’t adequately prepared us to navigate big feelings without being completely steamrolled by them.

So part of our job as humans might be making an effort to unlearn the programming and conditioning that tells us what should make a person “good enough.”

If I’ve learned anything by 40, it’s probably that practicing certainty – trusting that things will work out in their own wild, unexpected, seemingly impossible way – can relieve a lot of pressure. It can strip the labels we slap on ourselves about what life “should” look like by [insert whatever age feels like you “should” have things figured out].

So here’s to trusting the process.
Cheers to unlearning the habits that hijack our physical and mental health.
Hoorah for growing as we go – even if growth happens in very swirly-twirly ways.

10 Things I’m Aiming to Unlearn at 40:

*I know some of these points might be easier said than done, and it always depends on individual circumstances. But for what it’s worth!

1. Unlearn negative self talk – it gets you nowhere.
   Learn instead to notice when it happens, show yourself some compassion and forgiveness, and replace it with the kind of encouraging words you would say to a friend in your situation – even if it feels unnatural at first.
2. Unlearn worst-case scenario-ing – it won’t protect you.
   It might feel productive, but it can lead to anxiety on loop. Learn to catch it, thank yourself for caring, do something to lift your spirits – whatever helps you feel loved, grounded, or safe. Be open to things working out well, too.
3. Unlearn planning everything and expecting a specific outcome – it can lead to perfectionism and disappointment.
   Learn to embrace flexibility within your plans and allow room for surprises. Be open to possibilities and results that look different from your original vision.
4. Unlearn the need for validation from others – it’s a slippery slope to relying on external sources to ensure your enough-ness.
   Learn to validate yourself – act from a place that honors your values instead of someone else’s expectations. The less you rely on external approval, the more you’ll trust yourself.
5. Unlearn shaming yourself for what you don’t have or don’t know – you are not the sum of your perceived shortcomings.
   Learn to embrace and even love all parts of yourself – even the parts you don’t particularly like. Every part of you is valid; is worthy of being seen and heard.
6. Unlearn comparing yourself to others – it’s a thief of joy and self-love.
   Learn to alchemize jealousy or judgement into inspiration and motivation, while learning to acknowledge the things you love about your own life regularly, too.
7. Unlearn measuring yourself or your worth by societal standards – it’s unfair.
   Why berate yourself for not achieving something that doesn’t necessarily align with your values or desires? Think happiness instead of success, and embrace your version of it – even if it’s on a different timeline or looks different than others.
8. Unlearn bypassing emotions – it overwhelms the nervous system.
   Learn how to acknowledge, fully feel, and process emotions in ways that work for you. There are plenty of free tools and apps that can help.
9. Unlearn letting uncertainty, self-doubt, or fear keep you stuck – it’s not worth it.
   Learning to move forward with uncertainty or fear – while doing your best to trust that things are unfolding as they need to – will build resilience. Learn whatever tools help you manage difficult times and emotions with as much equanimity as possible. Eventually, challenges will feel more workable and less constricting.
10. Unlearn getting caught by click-bait – it drains your time and energy.
    Learn to stay informed and enjoy memes with boundaries. Take a walk. Read a book. Make art or music. Learn a new language or skill. Be bored and still. Be without a screen more often (she says while typing, as you’re reading on a screen).

To anyone else who is should-ing themselves and feels stumped by the puzzle of being human, I offer these wise and encouraging words:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. -Rainer Maria Rilke

Here’s hoping that we’re all doing whatever we need to take care of our body, mind, and planet. Small actions can impact the collective in big ways, and it’s more important than ever that we act from a conscious, connected place.

Reach out if you need support – 20-minute intro coaching calls are free.

Thanks so much for being here 🙂

Take care,

S

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